urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:morninglory76 morninglory76 morninglory76 2008-05-31T23:39:39Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:morninglory76:670 2008-05-31T23:39:39Z 2008-05-31T23:39:39Z I was dx with BPD about one year ago.  I look back now and see that I have been that way for a long time (I am 31 now).  I think I have just been able to hide everything in my life so well for so long and then when the lid came off everything is just spewing out and I can not help it.  I used to be able to handle everything and now feels like I can't handle anything.  The least little thing happens and I feel like running away and that is really not an option because I have three children whom I love very much.  Since June 2007 I have attempted suicide 4 times, twice while in the hospital.  The times that I did attempt I convinced myself that my sister would be a better mom for my children.  My husband also was not supportive of me and told me that if I was thinking about it that I should just go ahead and do it.  I have also been in the psych hospital 6 times since June.  The first three were consecutive to each other June 14-August 15,2007 and then in November 2007 for OD'ing on potasium,  Febeuary 2008 for OD'ing on my blood presure medicine and then in March I self commited myself because I felt like I was on too much medicine and was hoping they could fix me....they didn't.  They just cold turkey took me off of  all the psych meds ( Cymbalta, Remeron, Ambien, Seroquel, Wellbutrin, Lamictal and Ativan) and put me on depakote which made me feel awful.  I came out of that hospital feeling worse then when I got there.  I also have had a major depressive disorder, PTSD, trichtillomania/OCD (pulling out hair), and bipolar dx.  I don't think the bipolar dx is right.  I have also had a problem with cutting/ self destructive behaviors.  I  denied the BPD dx for the first couple of months but am finally accepting it.  I also have not been able to work since June 2007.  I have worked as an LVN until then and miss doing it so much.  One of the docs said that he thought it would be ok for me to try working but I am still trying to convince my PCP to let me.  She knows me much better than MH doc and has not released me yet because of the SI and suicidal behaviors and I have had problems with controling my BP.  I know I would not ever attempt anything while working.  I even talked to the director of nursing and she thinks it would be good for me to try working again but she wants a release from both the MH doc and my PCP....I would love to do DBT but there is nothing around where I live....I do go to the counselor once a week but I have to drive an hour each way just to do that and gas is getting so expensive....anyway I will write more later....